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Starting the Divorce Process: 5 tips for Divorcing a Narcissist

Divorcing Narcissist, divorcing a narcissist

Divorcing A Narcissist

When I first left my soon to be ex-husband in May of 2015 I had not at that point decided to divorce him. I was not emotionally ready to make that choice. In the back of my mind, I thought he would change if he saw that he was losing me and the kids. For months I stayed in touch with him, and this hurt even more. My emotions were so raw and I demanded answers. I told him that in order to stay together he needed, to be honest. He told me that during our marriage he cheated on me 9 times…needless to say I didn’t believe this number. He also told me that not long after I had left him he had had a threesome. Not only did he have a threesome, but I found out he had joined two dating websites not even a month after I had left. (searched his email address in google)

I knew that he wouldn’t change. He was truly a narcissist, I hadn’t been gone long at all and he was already searching for his new supply. It didn’t matter that we were married and that I was his wife that he claimed to love more than anything else. Truth is he doesn’t understand what love truly is and he would never be able to truly love me more than he loved himself.

A few months later I made the decision to divorce him. I waited to tell him and in fact I wasn’t sure I even wanted to tell him. He came to visit for our daughter’s birthday in January of 2016. He only stayed for a day but he put on a great show of crying when he left and acting like he was so distraught that I wouldn’t take him back.  On the last day he was here we went out to breakfast at IHOP and he asked if I wanted a divorce. He asked me why we were still married if I was never going to go back to him. So I told him that we were going to get divorced. He took off his wedding band and gave it to me. He then paid for breakfast and left, dramatically, of course, tears and all.

In March I filed for divorce and am currently impatiently waiting for it to be final. These have been the longest months of my life. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am almost free. Divorcing a narcissist is not going to be easy.

Here are 5 tips for divorcing a narcissist:

  1. Emotionally prepare yourself for battle. The narcissist has already shown you his bad side but he knows now you are truly leaving and he is losing his narcissistic supply. If he isn’t happy you aren’t allowed to be happy. So prepare yourself to see even more nastiness (threats, put-downs) and pettiness than you have before.
  2. Financially prepare yourself. If your narcissist was the breadwinner make sure you have money put aside in case your divorce is lengthy. The narcissist will fight you over every little thing from custody to the division of your towels and curtains and each delay will cost more money. ( I did not put much money aside when I left my ex, luckily I had money come in from our taxes. Otherwise, my divorce would have been much harder because he literally drained our joint bank account when I told him I wanted a divorce) Get a hold of any financial paperwork for evidence. Make sure to take your important documents with you such as social security cards and birth certificates etc. Also, make sure to take any paperwork on your wedding ring if you would like to sell it later on. ( I just sold mine last week. I will make a post on my experience soon)
  3. Find a good lawyer. Now this part is a little harder, you should sit down with a few different lawyers for a free consultation. Make sure you find a lawyer who understands what a narcissist is and make sure your lawyer actually cares about your case and will take it seriously. I was able to find a good lawyer at a good price. My lawyer had direct fees upfront and no hidden costs, and I am able to make payments. Use google to search for an affordable divorce attorney and/or ask friends and family for referrals.
    1. If your narcissist was the breadwinner it’s extremely important to seek immediate child support, alimony, and payment of your attorney’s fees through a temporary order. Also, make it known on your order who will stay in the marital home and who will be paying the mortgage. (If you are staying in your home make sure you change the locks)
    2. If your ex was abusive let your lawyer know so that you can get a restraining order. Protect yourself and your children if you have kids together.
  4. Make sure you are aware of where your spouse is living so that you can easily serve them. My ex-husband was living in our home, but when I went to serve him he had taken a temporary job in Hawaii. I tried to have him served at his job in Hawaii but they were never able to get a hold of him. It took about 2 months of trying to get him served because he was purposely evading the process server.

Here’s a verbatim text from him:

F*** your divorce papers. Tell whoever keeps calling me to go f*** themselves.

  1. Go as no contact as possible. If he wants to talk only talk about the children, do not engage them about the divorce or anything associated with your relationship. At this point, you must stick to your choice that you are done and don’t let them suck you back into the DRAMA! Take away the narcissist’s ability to upset you. It took me a long time to do this but once I did a weight was lifted. I was able to move on and not be constantly sucked back into his world.

Make sure to surround yourself with loving friends and family who support your decision, as there will be those who will turn against you. Don’t let them get you down. Make this decision for yourself. You deserve to have a happy and healthy life and being with a narcissist is anything but.

I would love to hear from my readers. If you have gone through a similar situation feel free to reach out to me. I would also love to feature women who would like to share their experience on my blog as well.

Follow me through my divorce

Intro: Divorcing A Narcissist

Post #2 Through the Rain

Post #3 Everything is your fault

Post # 4 Leaving the Narcissist for Good

Post # 5 When the Narcissist wants you back

Post # 6 I Should Hate My Ex: Here’s Why I don’t

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19 Comments

  • Reply
    Gi-ant
    December 22, 2016 at 1:02 pm

    After reading all your posts, I have come to the conclusion we have been unfairly abused. I have started divorce proceedings with my Stbx in June 2016. He was having an affair for 5 years and it was all my “fault”. I told him to put on his big boy pants and accept responsibility for his actions. Anyway. Just to let you know it is the best decision I have made. We were married for 24 years. I would rather be alone than lonely in my marriage. Keep on keeping on. It does get better.

    • Reply
      antonet
      December 25, 2016 at 8:03 pm

      I agree it does get better. I was definitely more lonely being married than I was being single. But I am much happier now. I am glad you are as well. Best revenge is to be happy without them!

  • Reply
    Ashley
    November 20, 2016 at 2:53 am

    Reading this was very helpful. I am going through the same thing right now. I filed for divorce in December 2015 and its still not over. We have 2 little girls together. He lives in Canada as an owner/operator of a fishing resort from May until November each year. He has barely seen our kids this year since he has been gone. He met a girl in Canada and started dating her right away in June and bringing her to the camp around his guest. He sends me text messages about how he spoils her, how she takes care of him and what not. He asked her to move to Wisconsin where I reside in our home with the children yet and he would financially support her. How nice huh? Yet he doesn’t want to pay child support or assist with child care during the time he is in Canada. Our girls are only 3 and 4 yrs old. He battles me about every little thing. I am raising our girls while working full time and managing ALL of our bills as if we were still happily married while he does whatever he wants and lives life with this new woman like he has no responsibilities. Doesn’t care that he is financially hurting us. He even sent me a text saying he cares more about his future then his kids. I am trying so hard to hang in there but some days its not so easy. Doesn’t feel like this will ever end. Not to mention the never ending lawyer bill. I just want to be FREE and go on living my life with my girls.

    • Reply
      antonet
      November 22, 2016 at 2:58 pm

      I know how you feel. It’s like a slap in the face that they can just move on so easily as if your marriage meant nothing. Keep all of those text messages. It’s the best evidence of his character during your divorce. I pray you will get your freedom soon. I am waiting for my divorce to be final soon too. Freedom is in sight! Don’t get discouraged…you will get through this!

  • Reply
    Sonia
    November 16, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    I am truly amazed by your story. I have been married to my husband for 10 years. We married young. Me, right out of high school. Even when I was dating him, he was showing red flags, but I just pushed it aside, thinking they were just temper tantrums. I was so naïve. He was a partier, loved to drink, but he never slowed down. He became addicted to alcohol. At 5 years, our marriage hit a bad turn. We ended up arguing and when he got in my face, I pushed him away from me. He then retaliated and hit me, throwing me against the kitchen cabinets. I had called the police and I thought I had left him then. But after a few weeks, I saw that my kids were distraught. I thought I could fix it if I went back but put my foot down. For a year things looked like they were better, but slowly the poison made it’s way back into his life. things have just gotten worse. My kids are traumatized and I have become so depressed, I get panic attacks, and suffer severely from anxiety. I have become am empty shell. Every time we fight, which seems like every week now, he always tries to blame me much like yours did you. That I don’t show him enough affection, that I don’t ever take his side etc. If only I could show more emotion towards him, things would get better. He also blames his job. He is a Firefighter and has a respectable role in the community. That is also why it is so hard for me to leave. As much as he is destroying me, I feel like me leaving or divorcing him, would affect his job. He suffers from PTSD, or at least that’s what I’ve come to think. And he uses that as the reasoning behind his drinking. when he is drunk, he becomes a monster. Manipulative, overbearing, threatening, ass. There have been many times I’ve threatened to leave, but he scares me so much that I think he will do something bad to me or worse, my kids who are 9,7, and 5. I don’t know how to start the process. My main concern is how do I protect my children. His temper changes on a dime. In my mind I’m always waiting for the right time. But then, that’s also why I’ve been living this hell for 5 years. I am at a loss.

    • Reply
      antonet
      November 22, 2016 at 2:51 pm

      I would love to help you in any way I can. If you are truly fearful is there anywhere you could go that would be safe for you and the kids? I would also document everything he is doing. Dates times and all details…this is very important. I have more advice but I would love to send it to you personally. Please email me antonet@theblushingmermaid.com

  • Reply
    Wendy
    November 15, 2016 at 12:24 pm

    I am in the middle of hell right now. Just found out my husband has been having an affair for 2 years, confronted him and of course he blamed it all on me. I am the reason he cheated and betrayed his family. (Crazy) He drained our bank accounts and acts like he is the victim. I’m still in shock! My heart is broken for my precious kids and they don’t even know what’s going on. I can relate so much to your story. Thanks for being brave to tell it.

    • Reply
      antonet
      November 22, 2016 at 2:55 pm

      Thank you for reading. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. It is very hard at first and at times it is still hard. The emotions sometimes just get to you. I hope that I can help you in any way I can! Feel free to reach out anytime antonet@theblushingmermaid.com

  • Reply
    Rebecca Mattei
    November 10, 2016 at 8:41 pm

    My daughters ex mother-in-law paid for the hotel room for her son to cheat on my daughter. Lying all the time. Now she has 4 sick people to deal with, the ex husband, ex mother-in-law, the mother-in-law’s girlfriend and the new wife. Not the one from the hotel. Where do these people come from? The divorce settlement still isn’t settled after a year and a half and neither is child custody. The lying and fake ness is the worst! Lucky my daughter handled the finances and moved everything after he started to help himself! What a nightmare! So funny how they are the victims! When the cell phone was returned “scrubbed” there was a nice video of the wife now masturbating. She used the new phone and texted it to the phone being returned. This was done the evening before the phone was returned. How do you deal with these people?
    ,!

    • Reply
      antonet
      November 11, 2016 at 3:17 pm

      Honestly narcissist think differently than others so it’s not easy to deal with them. The best bet is to have only contact about the children and nothing else.
      Unfortunately narcissists parents are usually the ones who enable them to act the way they do.
      I am so sorry you daughter has gone through such a rough time. I hope that the divorce will get settled soon. It’s definitely a very long process as I am learning in my own divorce. Good Luck!

  • Reply
    Shannon
    November 10, 2016 at 6:05 pm

    I have just started not too long ago reading about narcissists. I feel quite relieved and not so alone. I left my husband for the third time this past May. We were married for 10 years. He was abusive for no reason – not like there is a reason anyway. Always made promises to me and the kids that he would get work, change his actions, and buy or do things for the kids. Nothing like that happened. He would not let me out of his sight and not because he cared or loved me. He would accuse me of looking at other men when I had no idea who he was talking about. I remember jumping out the third story window on several occasions to escape him because he was coming at me with a kitchen knife. He said he wasn’t going to do anything to me but scare me. I wasn’t very convinced. He was also an addict, which didn’t make things better. I had so much guilt inside me from him making me con my parents and other people out of money to supply his addiction. Many offensive threats were said to me to maintain control over me. One day I finally saw him for who he really was and planned my final escape with my kids before I would be 6 feet under. In July, I finally got a protection order for me and my kids for no contact and no parental rights of the kids for three years. There wasn’t physical abuse to the kids but a lot of emotional and psychological trauma that is left behind. I was to go for full/sole custody as soon as possible, and then go for a divorce. I want to be completely free of him for good.

    • Reply
      antonet
      November 10, 2016 at 6:49 pm

      I am so glad you were able to get away from such a dangerous situation, safely and with your children as well. Living that was is so damaging and it effects the children. I would love for you to share your story. I am inviting readers of my blog to share with others. It helps to know you aren’t alone and it also helps to be heard. Please read my latest post http://www.theblushingmermaid.com/blog/first-wives-club-you-dont-own-me/

  • Reply
    NicoleR
    November 2, 2016 at 6:10 pm

    I love all your posts about divorcing a narcissist. I am planning to go to court house friday to file and I am finally feeling excited about it. I can’t wait to be legally free. I just worry about my son who will be subjected to him.

    • Reply
      antonet
      November 8, 2016 at 8:56 pm

      I totally understand. I have a young daughter with my ex and he uses her as pawn. Being free is the first step and I wish you the best moving forward. I will be praying for you and your son!

  • Reply
    Renee Sandri
    October 24, 2016 at 11:23 am

    My hairdresser has been telling me for years my husband is a narcissist. I didn’t really look into it much. We actually divorced when our oldest was almost 2 (took 14 months) because he cheated with an ex-fiancé who cheated on her husband too. We were apart for 5 years and he wanted to get back together claiming he had grown and changed. He never said it was because he loved me and wanted to make it up to me. I believed him and we had two more children (8 and 6 now). I think his narcissism reared its ugly head when he got laid off in January 2009, and depression sunk in, he withdrew from all of us. He didn’t admit it or talk about he didn’t need help. In August of 2012 he lost it over a Facebook post I made that my house could be dirty as long as my kids are happy and he walked out on all of us (oldest was 14, son was 4 and baby girl 2) for two weeks we had no idea where he was. He came back like he was gone on a business trip no apologies. Just let me know that he found a marriage counselor that was going to fix everything. My 14 year old was mad at me for staying but in our county in Wisconsin its automatic 50/50 and I needed to find a way to protect my kids. More and more research shows that he has a lot of narcissistic tendencies with control, who am I texting? Why are you on your phone? And I think he likes to pretend all is fine. His family treats me and my kids like we are beneath them and yet it’s me who has the issue. My filing timeline is coming in January and many of my friends and family want me to move out first before filing. As he’s unpredictable (threatened to put a bullet in his brain when I first told him I wanted a divorce and that he either sees the kids all of the time or none). I am getting my younger two into counseling to help with some of the issues I think they have because of seeing their mom treated so poorly – no affection or love. This for me has been the loneliest I have ever been as well and I am done with being ignored because he doesn’t like what I say, being dismissed for being a strong woman and having to ask him to help me do anything including give his kids baths, drive them to their activities or put them or get them ready for bed. Thank you for sharing your story. I am afraid there are many more out there.

  • Reply
    Teresa Gonzales
    October 24, 2016 at 12:45 am

    Love this! I’d love to share my story!

  • Reply
    marlene wiggins
    October 10, 2016 at 11:09 am

    wow, this is amazing. I am currently married for 14 years. we have children. reading your blog, I feel right where you were. I do believe my husband has narcissistic traits. it’s mung blowing and I need more strength in dealing with him. I will continue to read through your blog as it is helping me along the way.
    thanks again

    • Reply
      antonet
      October 15, 2016 at 2:49 pm

      Thank you for reading and I hope that I can help in any way possible!

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