Divorcing A Narcissist
When I first left my soon to be ex-husband in May of 2015 I had not at that point decided to divorce him. I was not emotionally ready to make that choice. In the back of my mind, I thought he would change if he saw that he was losing me and the kids. For months I stayed in touch with him, and this hurt even more. My emotions were so raw and I demanded answers. I told him that in order to stay together he needed, to be honest. He told me that during our marriage he cheated on me 9 times…needless to say I didn’t believe this number. He also told me that not long after I had left him he had had a threesome. Not only did he have a threesome, but I found out he had joined two dating websites not even a month after I had left. (searched his email address in google)
I knew that he wouldn’t change. He was truly a narcissist, I hadn’t been gone long at all and he was already searching for his new supply. It didn’t matter that we were married and that I was his wife that he claimed to love more than anything else. Truth is he doesn’t understand what love truly is and he would never be able to truly love me more than he loved himself.
A few months later I made the decision to divorce him. I waited to tell him and in fact I wasn’t sure I even wanted to tell him. He came to visit for our daughter’s birthday in January of 2016. He only stayed for a day but he put on a great show of crying when he left and acting like he was so distraught that I wouldn’t take him back. On the last day he was here we went out to breakfast at IHOP and he asked if I wanted a divorce. He asked me why we were still married if I was never going to go back to him. So I told him that we were going to get divorced. He took off his wedding band and gave it to me. He then paid for breakfast and left, dramatically, of course, tears and all.
In March I filed for divorce and am currently impatiently waiting for it to be final. These have been the longest months of my life. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am almost free. Divorcing a narcissist is not going to be easy.
Here are 5 tips for divorcing a narcissist:
- Emotionally prepare yourself for battle. The narcissist has already shown you his bad side but he knows now you are truly leaving and he is losing his narcissistic supply. If he isn’t happy you aren’t allowed to be happy. So prepare yourself to see even more nastiness (threats, put-downs) and pettiness than you have before.
- Financially prepare yourself. If your narcissist was the breadwinner make sure you have money put aside in case your divorce is lengthy. The narcissist will fight you over every little thing from custody to the division of your towels and curtains and each delay will cost more money. ( I did not put much money aside when I left my ex, luckily I had money come in from our taxes. Otherwise, my divorce would have been much harder because he literally drained our joint bank account when I told him I wanted a divorce) Get a hold of any financial paperwork for evidence. Make sure to take your important documents with you such as social security cards and birth certificates etc. Also, make sure to take any paperwork on your wedding ring if you would like to sell it later on. ( I just sold mine last week. I will make a post on my experience soon)
- Find a good lawyer. Now this part is a little harder, you should sit down with a few different lawyers for a free consultation. Make sure you find a lawyer who understands what a narcissist is and make sure your lawyer actually cares about your case and will take it seriously. I was able to find a good lawyer at a good price. My lawyer had direct fees upfront and no hidden costs, and I am able to make payments. Use google to search for an affordable divorce attorney and/or ask friends and family for referrals.
- If your narcissist was the breadwinner it’s extremely important to seek immediate child support, alimony, and payment of your attorney’s fees through a temporary order. Also, make it known on your order who will stay in the marital home and who will be paying the mortgage. (If you are staying in your home make sure you change the locks)
- If your ex was abusive let your lawyer know so that you can get a restraining order. Protect yourself and your children if you have kids together.
- Make sure you are aware of where your spouse is living so that you can easily serve them. My ex-husband was living in our home, but when I went to serve him he had taken a temporary job in Hawaii. I tried to have him served at his job in Hawaii but they were never able to get a hold of him. It took about 2 months of trying to get him served because he was purposely evading the process server.
Here’s a verbatim text from him:
F*** your divorce papers. Tell whoever keeps calling me to go f*** themselves.
- Go as no contact as possible. If he wants to talk only talk about the children, do not engage them about the divorce or anything associated with your relationship. At this point, you must stick to your choice that you are done and don’t let them suck you back into the DRAMA! Take away the narcissist’s ability to upset you. It took me a long time to do this but once I did a weight was lifted. I was able to move on and not be constantly sucked back into his world.
Make sure to surround yourself with loving friends and family who support your decision, as there will be those who will turn against you. Don’t let them get you down. Make this decision for yourself. You deserve to have a happy and healthy life and being with a narcissist is anything but.
I would love to hear from my readers. If you have gone through a similar situation feel free to reach out to me. I would also love to feature women who would like to share their experience on my blog as well.
Follow me through my divorce
Post #2 Through the Rain
Post #3 Everything is your fault
Post # 4 Leaving the Narcissist for Good
Post # 5 When the Narcissist wants you back