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Divorce & the Narcissist: Through the Rain

Through the Rain

Hello all! Today I am beginning the divorce blog series. If you missed my intro post be sure to read it here

I am starting this blog at a pivotal point in my life…I am getting divorced and starting a new chapter in my life and I want to share my story with the hope that I can help inspire and comfort others who are going through  divorce with a narcissist or those who are experiencing tough times in your marriage.

Over a year ago I made a decision to leave the man I loved.  It was the hardest decision I made but at the time it was for the best. Here’s a little background about my marriage…I met my ex in the summer of 2011. We met through a dating site called Plenty of Fish. Our first date was amazing!  I fell hard and I fell fast. He was everything I had ever wanted in a man…charming, funny, kind, caring, and handsome. He had the most beautiful eyes and every time he looked at me I felt he was looking into my soul. It didn’t take long for us to become an item and start saying we loved each other. I thought he was the one for me…my Mr. Right.

Unfortunately the love haze made me ignore so many red flags. I found out that he was still on the dating website we met on. I also saw that he was messaging other women too and it hurt. When confronted he said he was very sorry and he would take down his account which he did…looking back I should have made it clear that he had crossed a boundary and it wasn’t okay.

I firmly believe that if someone is serious about you they don’t make room for others in their life.

Needless to say the red flags continued. Random text messages and emails and his behavior had changed. He was drinking more and all he wanted to do was come home drink and watch tv. The only beverage he consumed was beer and I was getting alarmed. I mentioned my concern and he slowed down but not too much.

I was seeing evidence that he was talking to other women. I was heartbroken. Every time I went to leave he would talk me back into staying. He was always so good at saying the right thing and seeming like he was so genuine about being sorry. I wish I would have left then.

A year into our relationship I became pregnant and I didn’t even want to tell him because I was finding out more secrets about him. I felt like I didn’t know him at all. But he quelled my fears and I was so in love with him that I stayed. On October 19, 2012 we got married. It was a small ceremony but it was beautiful and for the time being I was very happy with him and I felt our relationship was getting better.

We ended up moving to California when my daughter was 6 months old. It was very hard to leave behind my family and friends. They were my support when my ex and I had falling outs which were very often during my pregnancy and after our marriage.

He started acting erratically. He was always complaining about his job, about his life, about his lack of money, but mostly about how stressed he was to be the provider of a family of 4.

For the longest time I couldn’t understand why he was so angry and why his rage was directed at me. Once we were in California he decided to tell me his secret. That he was using drugs. I was devastated…I was angry at him for keeping this secret from me but I was also very concerned because I wanted him to be clean. Needless to say he wasn’t ready to get clean.

Our marriage was built on lies and secrets. He lived a double life. He wasn’t only using drugs he was abusing alcohol and having multiple affairs. Our love life suffered. We were hardly ever intimate or even close. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone and for so long I kept it all hidden… from my family, his family, and my friends. It was hard because I felt ashamed that my marriage was failing and I never wanted to get married only to then get a divorce. Little by little I started to confide in my mother and a few of my closest friends because he somehow would make me out to be the cause of his behavior.

It started to affect me and I filled my days with activities to keep my mind off my hurting heart. I immersed myself in as many activities as I could, hoping that my husband would see what he was doing to our family and want to get help.

We would constantly argue. I would find evidence of affairs and drug use and he would talk his way out of it. Always finding a way to blame me…it was always my fault. I didn’t give him enough attention. I didn’t cook enough, clean enough, or take his side enough.

I did everything I could to make him happy. Often thinking maybe it was me that was the problem. It took me a long time to become convinced it was his inner battle that he was fighting and there was nothing I could do to help.

He hardly slept, so late at night I would get up and try to talk to him…but all it did was make him angry especially if I cried. (Narcissistic Rage)

There were times he was tender and sweet but that was after we had a fight. He would “apologize” (it was never sincere) and be sweet and loving again…but this too became few and far between. I was fed up with the lies, manipulation and his abuse of drugs alcohol and him having affairs. It all was too much to bear. I stopped sleeping in our room and talking to him. Hoping this would help mend our marriage if he saw he was losing me. He told me to get out of his house many times but would always say he didn’t mean it.

I could go on and on. This is only a small glimpse of what happened during our marriage. But let’s skip to why I left.

In May of 2015 my husband didn’t come home after work. He often did this but he wasn’t answering his phone. Not his personal or work phone. I was worried… I thought okay I guess he went out drinking and he would eventually come home like always.

For hours I didn’t hear from him and got worried. The last time he did this I had found out he had gotten arrested. After a few hours of worrying, I tracked his phone through the find my phone app and found him sitting in his car totally wasted. I yelled at him and told him not to follow me home. I left and went home and saw him following behind me. Part of me wanted to call the cops on him but I didn’t want him to get in trouble again. I went home but he had made a turn somewhere else. I was so livid I went home and went to bed. I had locked all the doors and he ended up punching the glass in the door so he could get in. He bled all over the floor, came inside ate his food and then went to bed. I asked him if he planned on fixing the door because we were now sleeping in an unsecured home. He said he hoped someone broke in and that if they did tell them to shoot him first and he went to bed.

I packed up and left the next day while he was at work. I couldn’t do it anymore. I got a lot of backlash from his family for leaving him. They never knew my side of the story and didn’t seem to want to know although I had told them he was using drugs. I was told that I needed to go back home and talk to him….I got frustrated at this comment as I have always tried to talk to him and of course it did nothing but make him angry.

I am now in the middle of divorce process. Please feel free to share your stories with me. I feel so much better to be talking about it. I know now that it was the right decision for me and my children and I never want to live that way again.

Stay tuned to hear more about my divorce and how I am moving on and starting again! Join the email list so you don’t miss a post!

Intro Post Divorcing the Narcissist: The Beginning

Post #3 Everything is your fault

Post # 4 Leaving the Narcissist for Good

Post # 5 When the Narcissist wants you back

Post # 6 I Should Hate My Ex: Here’s Why I don’t

Post # 7 Starting the Divorce Process: 5 tips for Divorcing a Narcissist

You can make it through the rain! I leave you with a song.

through the rain

 

 

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15 Comments

  • Reply
    jen
    February 15, 2017 at 9:00 am

    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! It is so nice to read something that sounds like me and my life!!

  • Reply
    Lindsey
    February 11, 2017 at 11:53 am

    Wow I’m separated from my husband of 15 years, it took a lot for me to leave him but he has all the characteristics of a narcissist and lies, cheating, hiding things from me. I’m standing up for myself now and not putting up with it anymore. I don’t want a divorce but that ultimately will probably happen

    • Reply
      antonet
      March 12, 2017 at 5:11 pm

      Unless he changes which is not likely for a narc then divorce is the only option. Good luck to you!

  • Reply
    Amber
    February 5, 2017 at 4:31 pm

    Your story is just like what i have lived for almost 14 years now. He doesnt cheat, though i have caught him talking to girls and he did leave me for a year…while i was pregnant…and he was out sleeping around. Of course he has excuses and it was all my fault. Im exhausted and drained. Im depressed and craving joy. He brings down my every day. Knowing his NPD makes me just want to leave because i see the real him…the disgusting him. yet i stay. we have 7 kids and number 8 is on the way. I want to leave him so bad but i remember how much worse he was to me and the kids when he left before. My head is spinning….

    • Reply
      antonet
      March 12, 2017 at 5:19 pm

      I am sorry to hear that. I do hope you can find the strength to leave. I feel that its worse for the kids to see such a dysfunctional marriage than it is to be separated. It’s ultimately your choice. But knowing he is a narc will help so much going forward

  • Reply
    S Lynn
    January 30, 2017 at 11:37 pm

    The similarities in this blog and my relationship scare me!! It also validates that I am NOT crazy! I began to doubt so many things about myself and considered working things out … but it just never felt right. I’m mustering up the courage to stay away with very limited contact … getting drawn back in is oh so easy and the worst!! I’m desperately trying to let go of my anger and move forward in my new life without my narcissistic husband. Thank you for blogging and sharing!!

    • Reply
      antonet
      February 5, 2017 at 2:59 pm

      You definitely aren’t crazy or alone. It seems like these relationships have become the norm now more than ever, but many people are afraid to reach out. The narcissist has put on such a great outwardly show that people would think you are lying. As long as you have a great support system to keep you sane and not go back you will be just fine!

  • Reply
    Hailey
    January 16, 2017 at 3:20 pm

    Wow. I’m thankful that I found this. I just left my husband recently, he’s always made me feel like I’m the crazy one. The one with the problem, for a minute there I started to believe him- until someone woke me up and told me what he’s doing is not right. I’ve packed my kids and I up several times, told him I was leaving, but every time he begged me to stay, not this time. Thank you for sharing.

    • Reply
      antonet
      February 5, 2017 at 3:01 pm

      I understand. I also threatened to leave several times but stayed longer than I should have. I hope you get the courage to leave. I know it seems really hard now, and walking into the unknown is really hard but it does get better and you will thank yourself for getting free.

  • Reply
    Annabelle
    December 12, 2016 at 10:10 pm

    I can’t tell you how powerful your message is. Thank you. I have been in a relationship with a Narcissist for 15 years. I am trying to find the strength to finally leave and I truly believe the Lord put your blog in my path.

    • Reply
      antonet
      December 13, 2016 at 3:39 pm

      So glad you found my blog. I do hope you find a way out safely. I also hope that you do leave, I know that sometimes we think its easier to stay. I stayed far longer than I should have. I pray you find the answers and strength you need to get out. Please come back and read. I also would love to hear your story. Feel free to reach out anytime

  • Reply
    Ashley Allison
    November 16, 2016 at 9:37 pm

    Wow…….. just wow. I truly believe I was meant to find this post. So many similarities even down to our fondness of mermaids. I too am in the same almost down to the detail situation. I find it sometimes very lonely even with my family around me now. I would love to talk more and share my story with you. Lots of love ❤❤❤
    Ashley

  • Reply
    Amy C.
    November 2, 2016 at 6:13 am

    Just wow. Your description of your situation could be me…except I’m 20 years in and having realized everything…putting the puzzle pieces together (minus an addiction prob– except for the sexual one outside of our marriage 😱) I am still trying to figure how to get out. Thanks for your transparency…it does help to know you’re not alone.

    • Reply
      antonet
      November 8, 2016 at 8:55 pm

      Yes you are not alone and you deserve to have someone in your life who truly loves you and isn’t using you for their narcissistic supply. I wish you all the best. Let me know how you are doing.

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