Divorcing The Narcissist: My Journey So Far

Divorcing The Narcissist: A candid blog series about my divorce from my narcissistic husband. My Journey so Far

My Divorce Journey So Far

It has been a while since I have made a blog post. I had taken a small break because I had become so overwhelmed with a lot of things in my life. I have been going through a divorce for almost 6 months now. It feels like it has stretched out for so long and I am so close to the finish line, but it still feels so very far away.

I never realized how hard things would be once I left my ex and decided to get a divorce. I originally thought he would realize what he had lost and change his ways. Wishful thinking for those involved with a narcissist. Nothing ever changed in the 4 years we were together and they didn’t change when I left. He only looked for other ways to manipulate me into coming back without ever really apologizing or changing any of his selfish behaviors.

At this point I have gone as no contact as fully possible. He does not have my phone number or address but he does have my email address and he continually emails me. It’s one of the email addresses that I hardly ever use but I still don’t like to open his emails.

One day he is emailing me telling me that he misses me and the children and in the next he being a complete jerk. It’s extremely difficult to deal with someone who doesn’t see their actions as wrong. They may apologize for it, but it’s an empty apology. So is there ever a chance of having any type of mature conversation with a narcissist?

My answer is no, just from my experience. I have unsuccessfully tried for years to get my ex to show that he cared about our relationship and making it work. Time after time he showed me that he only cared about himself. Being in a relationship with him was lonely, he would never ever be able to meet my needs because he was only concerned about his wants and needs.

So then how do you end your “marriage” relationship with a narcissist, but still have to co-parent with them?

At this time, I can’t truly answer because we haven’t had to co-parent yet. I have sole custody of our daughter on our temporary orders, but I do not yet know what will happen on our final hearing which is scheduled this month.

I will be blogging about the results. Hopefully a good outcome will come out of this.

This is my journey so far through my Divorce:

May 2015 – Left my husband and moved home with my parents.

There are several factors of why I left my ex but here are the most important ones – He was a serial liar (he could easily lie straight to my face and not care), he cheated a lot!, he was cold and had no empathy, he verbally abused me, he monetarily abused me, he abused alcohol and drugs and he made me feel unsafe in my own home.

June 2015 – Found out that right after I left my husband, he had joined several hooking-up websites and said he only did because he was so distraught over me leaving.

Sept thru December of 2015 – I took these months to decide how I felt about my husband and our marriage. I thought long and hard over what I wanted. Whether I wanted to stay with him or get divorced. Many nights I cried because I didn’t want a failed marriage but I also didn’t want a broken marriage either. (I was told by my ex that I wasn’t trying hard enough and that I left him when he needed me the most – Ha….seriously how can one person be so selfish!) But I ultimately decided it was best for me to get a divorce. Not a decision I made lightly.

January 2016 – My husband came to visit from California. He came for our daughter’s birthday. He brought me a book that he made of mementos during our relationship – but I was not moved by it. He also shed many a tear while he was here – again I wasn’t moved. It’s not that I am heartless but I know that he wasn’t being genuine. Especially when he hated me to cry when we were together. And showing emotion to his tears would only feed the narcissist in him. I told him that I wanted a divorce and he gave me back his wedding band.

February 2016 – He pulled all of the money out of our joint bank account. He told me that I wasn’t allowed to treat him that way and have any access to the money. Meaning he would no longer support our family because I wouldn’t take him back.

March 2016 – Filed for divorce. The road had been hard once I finally started this process. My ex wouldn’t leave me alone so I made the decision to go no contact and it was nice.

May to June 2016 – It took a few months to serve my ex. We were not living in the same state and he did everything he could to evade the process server.

June 2016 – Went to court for our temporary court hearing. Ex did not show up so it was a default judgement and I got what I was asking for. The ex is not following the orders (not surprising huh?)

September 2016 – Waiting patiently for the final divorce hearing.

It’s been a long road but I believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel coming soon. I am so ready to be divorced. I will be throwing a divorce party! Can’t wait to be free. Free from the Narcissist!

Can anyone else relate? Comment below

Divorce, Lifestyle
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14 Comments

  • Reply
    Daniuta
    February 23, 2017 at 12:36 am

    Your life is my life but I’ve been married for 20 years. Finally moved out on 5 February this year. Living with my son and his partner is not ideal but much better than living with the narc. I was walking on eggshells every day so as not to upset him and cause a nasty remark or worse, a rage and abusive words. I’ve been called a fat, stupid, ugly bitch too many times to count and. I know I am none of those things! I built figurative armour around myself so that his words would not penetrate. He is trying everything to get me back, including promises of going to counselling, but I don’t believe him.. I read his emails but don’t respond, nor do I answer his calls or texts. At first I thought I might go back,but now when I get tempted to return I think of a few nasty things he said or did and change my mind. I know he won’t change. I gave him 20 years. Now it is my turn. I am 68 years young and want to spend the rest of the years God gives me living in peace and happiness. Good on you Antonet as we Aussies say.

    • Reply
      antonet
      March 12, 2017 at 5:05 pm

      Aw thank you and so glad to hear that your story ended better than it began. Don’t worry you will be happy as long as you keep toxic people out of your life!

  • Reply
    Karen
    February 11, 2017 at 10:30 am

    I just recently found out my ex-husband is a narcissist. We were divorced for three years and he asked me to try to get along and see how things go. I did for my kids only to find through his FB he couldn’t stay away from women still he broke my boundary and my heart. He was having sex with married women girls 22 and he’s. 46. He is having sex with women who have cancer and Ms and extremely overweight …. He makes them feel beautiful says the most duty things to them I never heard him say… He denied it all. Except one he couldn’t deny.a good portion of them were my friends and wives of his friends . He also would tell them the most terrible things about me I feel so angry . Than I noticed things he was doing to our children for years. I have to watch his every step to help them. Even though we are divirced he consumes my life he wants to be friends. Really??? He yells at me turns tables and doesn’t understand why I hate him. How do you stay in contact with the father of your children when you fear him and don’t trust him but hate him

    • Reply
      antonet
      March 12, 2017 at 5:14 pm

      It’s really hard to co parent with a narcissist. But if you could find a trusted friend or 3rd party to be the go between with the kids then do that. Also if you have proof that he is abusive or reason to truly fear him than use that in court when you go through child custody or divorce. Good luck I truly hope it works out!

  • Reply
    Christy
    February 4, 2017 at 10:02 am

    Antonet, thank you so much for your blog!! There are so many of us out here that need it!! I am still with my narc, as money and the fact that we both work for the same company prevent me from leaving, but I have found that if you educate yourself completely about these emotional vampires, their rages and abuse almost becomes laughable. You can almost predict what their going to say next!! They. Are. All. The. Same. I cannot stress that enough. It makes life much more tolerable when you understand what they will say, how they’re going to say it (usually raging), and WHY they are saying it (insecurity, fear of failure/exposure, etc.). I have found life much more enjoyable since I have educated myself!! If you’re a woman (or man) that is saddled with a narc, and cannot leave for whatever reason, read all you can, trust me, you will be happier for it!!! And thanks again, Antonet, for creating this blog to spread the word, and arming those of us who can’t leave with the education we need to make life bearable…

    • Reply
      antonet
      February 5, 2017 at 3:10 pm

      Thanks for reading. I am glad that you have educated yourself about narcs. I do hope that one day you will be able to break free and then we can celebrate your freedom!

  • Reply
    Jamie
    January 3, 2017 at 11:47 am

    I just want to say Keep Going, Don’t give up!!!
    I was married for 13 years to mine; have 3 children with him, and live in the same town. Unfortunately can’t exhape him but it’s the best feeling in the world.
    Filed for divorce in July 2015 and was Final in September 2015, that quick! He is still full of drama and tries to drag me into his mess and refuses to co-parent properly however he blames me of course ( he can’t afford to cause he has to pay child support now, my fault). But, He is no longer MY MESS!!!
    Rock ON!!!!

    • Reply
      antonet
      February 5, 2017 at 2:54 pm

      So happy you got out. It seems like even when we leave they still hover around but we know we are free! Co-parenting is tough. So far its been okay for me but I doubt it will stay that way! Thanks for reading and commenting

  • Reply
    Amanda
    November 27, 2016 at 10:44 pm

    Thank you so much for your blog. It really does feel like I’m the one you are writing about. I have been cheated on three times that I know of. I have forgiven twice but no more. I’m trying to get my head together and need to stop my payroll from going into our joint account. Trying to figure out how to get all my important papers and find a place to stay for awhile until I can consult a lawyer. I’ve been married for 26 years. I’m untitled to half of his retirement. Our kids are grown up. One is married and one in his final year of college. So it’s just me and two dogs to worry about. I have told my daughter but not my son of his affairs. My daughter lives out of state and wants me to come stay with her but I have s good job and feel like I will be ok financially it will be tight but I don’t know if I want to give up my job too. She keeps reminding me that if I’m in the same town he will continue to bother me or worse. I have decided to leave and start the process of getting a divorce. He is an alcoholic but he denies it but he is a very heavy drinker. I am afraid that he will be aggressive once he is served. Do you recommend getting a lawyer before I leave or after. I don’t have much money saved only about$300 so far. But I was going to have my direct deposit cancelled this next Pay period.
    Thanks again for your blog. It has really been a help knowing that I am not crazy. It does happen to other and I could relate with you.

    • Reply
      antonet
      November 28, 2016 at 4:14 pm

      I think your daughter is very smart and I am glad you are going to leave. He will bother you as long as you are near him. I advise you to move first before you hire an attorney. Make sure you are safe and have your affairs in order. Try to get all the paperwork you can for sure. I pray things work out for you. Lawyers are pretty expensive but you may see if you could find a lawyer who has upfront fees that you can pay monthly. That’s what I did.
      I am glad you found my blog and that you could reach out. Please keep me updated! If you have any other questions feel free to email me antonet@theblushingmermaid.com

  • Reply
    Tara Castillo
    November 6, 2016 at 11:44 pm

    Wow this is my life !! I have been with my narcissist
    Since I was 14 we were married for 24 years with 4 children !! He had an affair in our 18th year of marriage I stayed for another 4 years with the lie of I love you and I want this to work, all while his actions were the complete opposite !! We have been divorced for 3 years but it is still very emotional for me !! I’m still having a hard time trying to heal from this without feeling any remorse on his part!! And since I have been with him way more then half my life I am
    Finding it hard to move on!!

    • Reply
      antonet
      November 8, 2016 at 8:54 pm

      I definitely understand. It is the hardest thing when you are betrayed repeatedly by the ones you love. Especially when they tell you that they love you and all the while living a different life behind your back. I am glad that you are free and I wish you nothing but the best. You deserve to move on and be happy. It takes a while for the scars to heal but the fact that you feel is wonderful!

  • Reply
    Lee
    October 6, 2016 at 11:23 pm

    Would love to have you help me in the steps of divorcing my narcissistic husband. Reading your blog is like reading my life.

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