Divorcing the Narcissist: The Beginning

divorcing the narcissist
I am starting a series on divorcing the narcissist this week. This is just an intro to the blog series. I am in the middle of a divorce and I want to share my story with others in hopes that it will help anyone who is going through the same situation as me. A few years ago I wouldn’t dare speak about any of my marriage troubles to my family or friends but I have come to a place where I am able to speak freely and share my experience. I would love to hear your stories too. Well here we go!

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time” – Maya Angelou

I thought that being married to a narcissist was hard…divorcing a narcissist is even harder.

A little background…I was in a 4 year relationship with a narcissist. Married for 3 of them and my marriage took so much out of me. It was the most loneliest I have ever felt in a relationship. It didn’t start that way of course and if you are in a relationship with one or have been in a relationship with a narcissist you know exactly what I mean. When they enter your life they are the sweetest, most charming, caring and kind person you think you have ever dated. A narcissist will literally sweep you off your feet. But when the love affair comes to an end, which comes rather quickly, you are left dazed and confused…wondering what happened to that amazing person you met and fell head over heels in love with.

Does this situation sound familiar? Stay tuned for more of Divorcing the Narcissist

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Post #2 Through the Rain

Post #3 Everything is your fault

Post # 4 Leaving the Narcissist for Good

Post # 5 When the Narcissist wants you back

Post # 6 I Should Hate My Ex: Here’s Why I don’t

Post # 7 Starting the Divorce Process: 5 tips for Divorcing a Narcissist

 

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16 Comments

  • Reply
    Caroline
    February 19, 2017 at 12:46 am

    Thank you for sharing with us. You have showed me the light. And have given very important tips/things to think about. I have wanted this to work out for so long, I just got confirmation that no matter what, I am showing my daughter that being strong and a female is possible. So much love to you and yours. Please pray for a speedy divorce and successful child custody case for me.

    • Reply
      antonet
      March 12, 2017 at 5:08 pm

      I will definitely be praying for you!

  • Reply
    Mish
    February 6, 2017 at 10:27 am

    Thank you so much for this. I am still with my husband whom I have left for over 2 months a day actually came back because he made all these promises and after being here for just 2 weeks he couldn’t keep up the pretense anymore. Just yesterday he pointed out all my flaws again and asking me why am I here what did I thin was gonna happen after this separation. He loves me to bits but can’t stand me, after he never came home and still returned drunk/wasted but I was at fault and after all that he left again only to return this morning. I have now finally had enough and taking the next step instead of waiting for him to divorce me cause he always wants it I am going to do it I thought it was gonna be hard but after all your advice I feel empowered.

    • Reply
      antonet
      March 12, 2017 at 5:18 pm

      So glad to hear that you are empowered. Don’t let him rob you of happiness. Marriage is not supposed to be miserable. I am glad you found the strength to leave. I hope you never go back. Good luck to you moving forward

  • Reply
    Gracie
    January 4, 2017 at 9:08 pm

    Thanks for sharing. I was only married to my narcissist for 5 months before I listened to his “suggestion” that I move back in with my parents. I was 10 weeks pregnant. When we found out he responded by “joking” about me miscarrying, and saying “or I could just punch you in the uterus until you miscarry”. He then tried to talk me into giving up the baby for adoption. Needless to say, when he tried to scare me into submission by telling me to move back in with my parents, I saved the text message (yes, he broke up out marriage in a text) as proof that he’d kicked me out, and moved from Georgia to Illinois the next day.
    Now that my doughter has been born, he is dragging out our divorce as long as he can. We had a mediation agreement set until he backed out the day we were supposed to have the judge sign it, and is now lobbying for unsupervised weekends (with a breastfeeding infant who won’t take a bottle).
    So we are now going through the process of meeting with a court appointed guardian ad litem (which his lawyer tried to get me to pay for in full – not happening). I have already filled out all her paperwork and sent a 7 page addendum listing dates and facts of all instances of abuse I could remember and screenshots of texts for support.

    Anyway, you are not alone, and I am getting so tired of fighting him. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that my daughter will NEVER be treated the way he treated me.

    • Reply
      antonet
      February 5, 2017 at 3:08 pm

      I applaud you staying away. I hope your divorce goes well and that visitation wouldn’t just be given to him when he hasn’t shown any interest in being a father to her. Don’t give up hope!

  • Reply
    Leanne
    November 14, 2016 at 8:25 pm

    I can definately relate to all of the posts above. I am in the middle of TRYING to divorce my sorry excuse for a soon to be ex husband. He won’t allow himself to be served the divorce papers. Story for another time, but I have been in the place where you ladies who think there is no hope are. The hardest thing for me to admit was that I had failed…as a wife, and I thought as a parent, a daughter and at everything else. That is what the narcissist wants you to think. That you have nothing and no one. However, the BEST thing I did was picked myself up and went to my friends, family, and even co-workers. Asked for help. They knew my pain and struggles before I even said anything. No matter how hard we try to hide it, the ones closest to us can see our pain and are just waiting, praying we reach out and ask for help. So don’t sit there, alone, and suffering. Lean on those around you and in no time it will get better and will be SO worth it. My kids are unbelievably happy. I am unbelievably happy. Nothing he can do or say now can ever change that…and that, ladies, is the best revenge.

    • Reply
      antonet
      November 22, 2016 at 2:53 pm

      Yes being happy is the best way to show the narcissist that they have no power over you. I am so glad you are happy and your kids are too. My ex also dodged the process server so I know how you feel. Good luck to you during your divorce!

  • Reply
    Stephanie
    November 7, 2016 at 11:25 pm

    I left cause my boys 5 and 10 at the time were being told not to listen to me (in texts and whispering). He was pulling them in trying to alienate them from me. Backing up a bit, Both of our boys lived solely with only me for over 3 years. He decided to not look for a job after he moved us to our so called new life. He succeeded in placing the boys and I many states away from friends and family. After 3.5 years I wanted to move back closer to my family. I was very lonely and wanted our boys to know their grandparents and family. I was able to talk him into letting our boys and I move back to our home state. It has been unbearable living together. I moved out and hired an attorney. His attorney filed first and mine didn’t turn my paperwork in on time. The magistrate gave him full custody. My attorney filed my plea for an emergency considrrstation. The magistrate gave him residential and him 4 days one week then me 4 days the next. How the hell is that even acceptable? He was rarely in the picture for 3.5 years. Now that our boys are older and don’t need as much parental help (for lack of better words) no he wants them. Well I couldn’t tolerate being away from my children so I begged my way back. I’m beyond miserable. He wants full residential custody stating a nanny or sitter can take care of our boys while he’s at work. I’m on disability and have a no curable disease. Why wouldn’t he want me to continue raising our boys? He told the magistrate I’m a horrible mean parent. How convenient when he leaves them with me as their main caregiver again. Again, now that I’m constantly AGREE with him always saying I’m wrong, I’m sorry. But this is not acceptable. I don’t want my boys seeing and living this way. I don’t want them to think it’s ok to be treated this way or treat anyone this way. Our oldest son is actually starting to act like a narcissist like his father. It hurts cause when his dad isn’t around he’s a sweet gentleman using manners and hugs! I’m terrified to try and refile. How do you divorce a narcissist? He’s manipulating and trying to alienate our children from me. He’s caused our youngest to have separation anxiety and abandonment issues. He laughs and says it’s something I’ve made up and put into his head. Tries to belittle him for carrying his blanket and bear. It’s heart wrenching. Please help

    • Reply
      antonet
      November 8, 2016 at 8:52 pm

      My heart goes out to you. The system is not even close to being helpful to women and men in relationships with narcissist. They don’t know what we go through in our homes and therefore it is unfair when they hand down a judgement without any consideration for what we say. It is literally your word against his and since they are so great at appearing charming and sweet it’s hard to fight. If you could email me more about what is going on then I could better help. antonet@theblushingmermaid.com if you have some free time we could chat on the phone as well. I am no expert but I am here for you!

  • Reply
    did this really just happen
    October 22, 2016 at 10:27 am

    I jave been with my narissast husband for 18 year we have 2 child together. Yes he is all i knew and when my daughters were having nightmares of him hurting me and scared to leave me home while they r at school. Both kids came to me told me daddy had to leave for the 2nd time. I thought i was taking everything he had thrown at me the names the put downs i was scared to even talk because never did i say or do the right thing so my vocabulary was sorry . I took the blame for his asshole was he cheated he bruised me inside and out.the outside is better but this pain inside will not stop .i hear the things he said to me how pathetic ugly low life he was imbarrased to b seen with me so much more and i just waited for the man i loved more than anything just to love me again. While the kids were in school like everyday in my face yelling and piercing me over and over with his harsh words i asked him to leave no i wanted him to stay and just hold me to let me know it was going to b ok my kids would b fine he would help me with the financial setback i was in from the first time he let but just wantt me i just wanted peace in my mind and in our home but he walked out told me the worst thing ever and never looked back its like i was no body .i gave him my all and he just walked away i hear from him when he call to tell me how sorry or hope i lose the house my kids call home hell he just turned cable off so the dont have it, i have noone to talk to i have to one that will help this is the worst thing ever .but God is good and i have faith he will keep me above water and please gives me the strength to keep my kids happy and the face that smiles when they r around because every second all i want to do is cry

    • Reply
      antonet
      October 22, 2016 at 1:56 pm

      So sorry for what you are going through. Its so hard to be in a marriage with no love and nothing but pain and misery. I do hope you find a way to find strength and be strong for yourself and your children. God is definitely good and he will see you through

  • Reply
    Karan Krishnani
    September 28, 2016 at 3:11 pm

    Freedom From Mental Struggle: Understanding Narcissistic Abuse and Recovery https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01LZXU80C/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_.nc7xbZQS1TJ8
    This book depicts the patterns of abusive relationships and abusers and provides one motivation and recovery methods to cope in distress. Give it a try! 🙂

    • Reply
      antonet
      September 28, 2016 at 5:27 pm

      Thanks I will definitely have to check it out!

  • Reply
    Jamie
    July 19, 2016 at 8:54 pm

    I’m so happy to have found this. I just read your intro and I can relate more than I want to admit? I have 3 boys, ages 3, 8 and 14. My oldest is not my husbands and he absolutely hates him because of things I am embarrassed to say he has witnessed over the last 12 years of his life. We have been married for 10 exhausting years, and he has literally drained me of everything from friends, family, confidence and financial stability. I don’t know how to get out…

    • Reply
      antonet
      July 19, 2016 at 9:27 pm

      I am glad that you found my blog and that you reached out. I know that it seems super hard right now. It was so hard for me to leave my ex husband. I honestly don’t think I would have left if I hadn’t started to reach out to my friends and family for help. I would encourage you to do the same if you can. It’s so hard on our children, to see their mother unhappy and not able to help. I know it hurt my son so much to see me go through what we went through and he could’t help me but he is much happier now that I have left that situation. Is there anyone you could reach out to? Please feel free to email me antonet@theblushingmermaid.com if you would like to talk more.
      I am here for you anytime!

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