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Divorce & The Narcissist: Everything is your fault

Everything is your Fault

“And she was made to appear crazy, by the man who put her there” R.H. Sin

Everything is always your fault and you are always to blame. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into when I met and fell in love with my ex-husband. I came into the relationship clueless about narcissism and its devastating effects on relationships.

If you missed the last post read it here

During our courtship my ex frequently cheated on me. I never caught him in the physical act of cheating but I would always see messages…clear evidence that he wasn’t all mine. There were several times where I would pack up a bag ready to leave only to either talk myself out of it or have him talk me out of it.

He was always so contrite and convincing when he told me he didn’t mean it, that I was the only one he wanted and we were meant to be. Looking back now I have to question why I let myself be treated that way. I was desperately in love but I was scared to leave what I had for a unknown situation. I honestly didn’t love myself enough. If I had I would never have let him treat me that way. I didn’t want to accept his dark side because I had seen and experienced the charming and loving side.

It was all about control and I was never allowed to have any. He was silently manipulating every situation to affect the outcome for his benefit. I didn’t realize I had given so much of myself until I couldn’t even remember who I was anymore. I had become so entrenched in making this man happy that I didn’t care that I suffered.

Here is part of an email I wrote to him:


I don’t know whether you feel any responsibility or regret for any of your actions. It sure doesn’t feel that way to me. All I see is your anger. And you have no right to be angry. You brought this on yourself. If you need someone to be angry with look in the mirror and point the finger towards yourself. 
Sure you are tired of having this conversation with me.
But what you don’t understand is that I never thought I would have to have these kinds of conversations with MY HUSBAND. I never thought my husband would cheat on me 🙁 

And then I know when I confront you that you lie to me. You try to turn the tables and make me out to be the one who is wrong bc I looked at your phone and email.

I don’t want a marriage like this. I’m not going to pretend everything is ok. When inside I am so sad. I’m so hurt. And soo damn Angry with you
I want this marriage to work but how can it if you can’t own up to your actions and get off your high prideful horse and act like you care. Show that you feel bad…show that you are scared you could lose me.
Instead you tell me get over it or find somewhere else to go. 
You know one day you might get exactly what you are asking for. An empty house bc you told me to leave. 
There is really no other choice. Put in the work it will take to fix this. Stop being stubborn. Have the awkward and long conversations. Whatever it takes. Otherwise I’m going to continue sleeping on the couch and then it will be too late one day. You will lose your wife & family.

I’m still here so show me that you care. I’m not going to go after you and I’m not going to try to work this out unless you do it first. Until you show me that you are going to do the same. 
It’s going to take time. It can’t be fixed overnight but it can over time as long as you are honest and faithful and true to me. 
Come talk to me…answer my questions. Start this process by being completely honest with me.

If we can’t talk this out. We have nothing but the kids and bills to discuss. So figure out what u want”


This was written less than a year into our marriage and I wish I could say this was the only letter I had ever written to him. This was one of several. No matter what it was always my fault. I made him want to drink. I nagged too much and therefore he never wanted to talk to me. I was too judgmental. I was never on his side. I didn’t show enough affection. This list goes on.

But no matter what I found myself always forgiving him and we would go on to act like nothing ever happened. Nothing ever got resolved and the next time I would catch him cheating or lying we would start the endless cycle all over again.

In this type of relationship you will never win. I had to learn this lesson the hard way.

It took me 4 years to get here…to be free from the shackles of a broken marriage. It was so hard to leave but I know in my heart that it was the right decision. I now know what to look out for and what I won’t accept in a relationship anymore.

Learn to love yourself! Don’t give your love to someone who won’t appreciate it. Most importantly don’t keep inviting hurt back into your life. Have the strength to walk away and love yourself.

Subscribe so you never miss a post!

Intro post Divorcing the Narcissist: The Beginning 

Post #2 Through the Rain

Post # 4 Leaving the Narcissist for Good

Post # 5 When the Narcissist wants you back

Post # 6 I Should Hate My Ex: Here’s Why I don’t

Post # 7 Starting the Divorce Process: 5 tips for Divorcing a Narcissist

If you are going through a similar situation feel free to contact me or comment below.

takingallmyenergy

Divorce, Lifestyle
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9 Comments

  • Reply
    Amber
    October 23, 2016 at 9:37 pm

    I just started your blog and I can relate to it so much. I feel like I am living the life that you lived. I have been debating divorce for all the same reasons as you. He keeps promising me that things will change, yet here I am alone again tonight and I have no idea where he is. It has been like this for the past two years. I want a divorce but it isn’t that easy. I rely on him financially. I’m hoping that I am inspired by your blog. I know I need to let go and let God. Qing sorry about everything you went through because I know how much it hurts, but at the same time I am glad to know I am not the only one who has had to live this way.

    • Reply
      antonet
      October 31, 2016 at 10:19 am

      You are definitely not alone. I also relied on my ex financially and I am here to tell you that it is possible to get away. He thought his power was in the fact that he thought I needed him and that helped feed his sense of security that I would never leave. I would suggest getting a plan together in case you decide to get divorced. I have tons of advice. Please feel free to reach out anytime.

      • Reply
        Isela
        February 24, 2017 at 12:04 am

        Im going through exactly the same story, your letter sounds so much like many I have wrote myself. Sad part is I’ve been going through this for the last 22 years! Yes since I was 16. And 4 daughter later I’m still trying to leave.

        • Reply
          antonet
          March 12, 2017 at 5:03 pm

          I’m sorry to hear that. My heart aches for you. I hope you will find the strength to leave

  • Reply
    McKenzie
    October 20, 2016 at 5:40 pm

    Thank you for your blog. I’m in a miserable marriage where everything is my fault, my feelings aren’t valid, he calls me non stop… the list goes on and gets more twisted. I’m pinning this in my secret board to follow. I have to go before he comes back but I’ll read more. Thank you.

    • Reply
      antonet
      October 22, 2016 at 1:54 pm

      I am sorry for what you are going through. I pray you will be able to get out safely someday! Please let me know how you are doing!

  • Reply
    Keisha Key
    July 19, 2016 at 2:02 pm

    Absolutely! Okay I will email you:)

  • Reply
    Keisha Key
    July 19, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    Good Afternoon,
    I happened upon your blog from pinterest. I divorced a narcissistic man as well, except he was abusive to not only me but when he started on my kids I left. I admire your courage and strength. Since the experience I went through, I have a passion of uplifting, encouraging and motivating others. My blog is http://www.greatisinme.com please stop by if you ever need an uplift. Keep spreading the word. There are so many women in the same situation. Be blessed my Love.

    • Reply
      antonet
      July 19, 2016 at 1:38 pm

      Thank you so much for your comment. I am glad that you got out of your situation as well. I love your blog in fact I was saved during my marriage. It made things worse in my marriage but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Finding God has changed my life. I think your blog is amazing. I would love to work on doing some guests posts on each others blogs. Feel free to contact me antonet@theblushingmermaid.com

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