Everything is your Fault
“And she was made to appear crazy, by the man who put her there” R.H. Sin
Everything is always your fault and you are always to blame. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into when I met and fell in love with my ex-husband. I came into the relationship clueless about narcissism and its devastating effects on relationships.
During our courtship my ex frequently cheated on me. I never caught him in the physical act of cheating but I would always see messages…clear evidence that he wasn’t all mine. There were several times where I would pack up a bag ready to leave only to either talk myself out of it or have him talk me out of it.
He was always so contrite and convincing when he told me he didn’t mean it, that I was the only one he wanted and we were meant to be. Looking back now I have to question why I let myself be treated that way. I was desperately in love but I was scared to leave what I had for a unknown situation. I honestly didn’t love myself enough. If I had I would never have let him treat me that way. I didn’t want to accept his dark side because I had seen and experienced the charming and loving side.
It was all about control and I was never allowed to have any. He was silently manipulating every situation to affect the outcome for his benefit. I didn’t realize I had given so much of myself until I couldn’t even remember who I was anymore. I had become so entrenched in making this man happy that I didn’t care that I suffered.
Here is part of an email I wrote to him:
“I don’t know whether you feel any responsibility or regret for any of your actions. It sure doesn’t feel that way to me. All I see is your anger. And you have no right to be angry. You brought this on yourself. If you need someone to be angry with look in the mirror and point the finger towards yourself.
Sure you are tired of having this conversation with me.
But what you don’t understand is that I never thought I would have to have these kinds of conversations with MY HUSBAND. I never thought my husband would cheat on me 🙁
And then I know when I confront you that you lie to me. You try to turn the tables and make me out to be the one who is wrong bc I looked at your phone and email.
I don’t want a marriage like this. I’m not going to pretend everything is ok. When inside I am so sad. I’m so hurt. And soo damn Angry with you
I want this marriage to work but how can it if you can’t own up to your actions and get off your high prideful horse and act like you care. Show that you feel bad…show that you are scared you could lose me.
Instead you tell me get over it or find somewhere else to go.
You know one day you might get exactly what you are asking for. An empty house bc you told me to leave.
There is really no other choice. Put in the work it will take to fix this. Stop being stubborn. Have the awkward and long conversations. Whatever it takes. Otherwise I’m going to continue sleeping on the couch and then it will be too late one day. You will lose your wife & family.
I’m still here so show me that you care. I’m not going to go after you and I’m not going to try to work this out unless you do it first. Until you show me that you are going to do the same.
It’s going to take time. It can’t be fixed overnight but it can over time as long as you are honest and faithful and true to me.
Come talk to me…answer my questions. Start this process by being completely honest with me.
If we can’t talk this out. We have nothing but the kids and bills to discuss. So figure out what u want”
This was written less than a year into our marriage and I wish I could say this was the only letter I had ever written to him. This was one of several. No matter what it was always my fault. I made him want to drink. I nagged too much and therefore he never wanted to talk to me. I was too judgmental. I was never on his side. I didn’t show enough affection. This list goes on.
But no matter what I found myself always forgiving him and we would go on to act like nothing ever happened. Nothing ever got resolved and the next time I would catch him cheating or lying we would start the endless cycle all over again.
In this type of relationship you will never win. I had to learn this lesson the hard way.
It took me 4 years to get here…to be free from the shackles of a broken marriage. It was so hard to leave but I know in my heart that it was the right decision. I now know what to look out for and what I won’t accept in a relationship anymore.
Learn to love yourself! Don’t give your love to someone who won’t appreciate it. Most importantly don’t keep inviting hurt back into your life. Have the strength to walk away and love yourself.
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Intro post Divorcing the Narcissist: The Beginning
Post #2 Through the Rain
Post # 4 Leaving the Narcissist for Good
Post # 5 When the Narcissist wants you back
If you are going through a similar situation feel free to contact me or comment below.