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Leaving the Narcissist: For Good

Leaving the Narcissist

Leaving the Narcissist

“You poisoned my mind with the thought that I was loved and the worst part is I believed it” – unknown

Leaving is always a hard thing to do. Leaving my narcissist (soon to be ex-husband) was really hard for me. I honestly don’t think I would have left if I hadn’t had such amazing support from my friends, family and church community.

Catch up on this story here is the very first post Divorcing the Narcissist

There were many times I planned to leave. Times I even packed up but I never left. I even threatened to leave my ex several times but even he knew that my threats were just that empty. I wish I had the strength to leave the first time I caught him in a lie. There were so many lies and time after time I forgave him. This was an awful cycle and a narcissist will take full advantage of it. Crossing boundaries means absolutely nothing to them and they will always find a way to draw you back in once they feel like they are starting to lose you.

shows the cycle of abuse in a narcissistic relationship

Source: Illustrated by Denise W. Anderson

It’s like a deeply demented game of cat and mouse. It’s a game but the outcome is always the same…you will lose…and the narcissist can change the rules at any time. You are always thrown off never knowing how you ended up where you are.

After moving to California and being isolated from my friends and family our marriage became even harder. I was a stay at home mom and my ex made pretty decent money…enough that we didn’t have to worry. But he was in control and whenever he was angry he would make me give him back the debit cards and checkbook. (A narcissist loves to be in control. He wanted me to be reliant on him so that I would think twice before ever leaving him.)

My narcissist husband would not put me on the bank account. His reasoning was that if I ever decided to leave that he didn’t want me to drain the bank account and leave him high and dry (projection). (Irony- he drained the joint bank account after I told him I wanted a divorce and that I wasn’t going back to him). He did eventually put me on the bank account but the reason I bring this up is to show that he was in control of everything and that made it all that much harder to leave.

Don’t let a narcissist steal your security; don’t let them fool you into thinking you can’t leave and that your only choice is them. Choose to be free and choose to take care of you and your children if you have any.

3 Important Points you Must Understand Before Attempting to Leave a Narcissist

My advice to any ladies (or men) going through a similar situation, turn to your family and friends and don’t be afraid to ask for help. My mother and father paid for my children and I to fly back to Texas so that I could get away from my ex. I packed up and left while he was at work and then my Pastor’s wife graciously let us stay at their home until the day of our flight which was about a week later.

When leaving a narcissist you must be careful. I would have done things differently had I known I was truly going to leave him.

Here is my list for anyone who is wanting to leave their narcissistic.

  1. If you can put some money aside for leaving. Get a credit card in your name and open your own bank account
  2. Don’t tell them you are leaving; they will only talk you back into staying using any and all manipulation tactics (guilt, shame, humiliation, money, love, children)
  3. Tell only those you can trust your plan
  4. Leave while they are at work or won’t be home for a long while. Get out quickly!
  5. Only take what you truly need
  6. Take all of your important documents
  7. Get a copy of all documents pertaining to you and your significant others financial information
  8. Don’t tell them where you are
  9. If you are married hire an attorney who knows about narcissism
  10. Keep a record of anything the narcissist has done to you and or your children
  11. Prepare for them to retaliate and try to get back at you
  12. Go no contact. They will never let you go and will only keep trying to convince you to come back and if your resolve is slipping you will
  13. Take care of you. Love yourself and let your wounds heal

You have to figure out what it was that let you be in this toxic relationship. Don’t feel guilty or ashamed just be happy to be free and move on.

After leaving my ex we stayed in touch and I honestly thought my leaving would set him straight. I had hope that he would once again be the man I fell for (that man was an illusion). He of course told me everything I wanted to hear. How much he loved me, how he couldn’t be without me and the kids, how he wanted to start over and get to know me again (he actually said he wanted us to go on dates with each other). These were just empty words because the minute I brought up how I wasn’t ready for that because I didn’t trust him, those pretty words were replaced with anger and frustration. Don’t fall back into the trap. No contact was the best thing for me. It allowed me to move on and I am much happier for it.

The greatest thing that helped me was reading these books after I left my ex. I couldn’t put these books down and they helped me realize I was definitely through.

 

Book title Planet Ben Inside The World of a Narcissist by Susan Williams book title end of fairytale letting go of the Narcissist by Susan Williams

Can you relate to this? Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? Please leave a comment below, I would love to hear from you.

Post #2 Through the Rain

Post #3 Everything is your fault

Post # 5 When the Narcissist wants you back

Post # 6 I Should Hate My Ex: Here’s Why I don’t

Post # 7 Starting the Divorce Process: 5 tips for Divorcing a Narcissist

Here are some other helpful articles to read

6 Steps On How To Leave The Narcissist

8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics (she hit the nail on the head with the word narc-sadistic)

leaving the narcissist

 

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13 Comments

  • Reply
    Jay
    February 22, 2017 at 9:25 pm

    I wish that I had read your post about 6 months ago. I never knew what a narcissist was ( I had heard the word but never knew the meaning). I am an intelligent women but very naive. Everything you said hit home. The only difference was I was the one who always worked yet never had money. When I finally did leave, with my kids, I was the bad one for splitting up our family- so said the ex. He started using drugs- again my fault. After about 6 months he threatened suicide. So I jumped in to “save.” him. Big mistake. He was going to change, he’d do ANYTHING to make it right and have his family back. It was an act- he kept using (unbeknownst to me), pushed me away from the people that had helped me and his children and tried to make them stay away. I am blessed w/ family and friends that don’t get intimidated by his threats like I always did. Never again- every time I start to feel bad about something (that he makes my kids feel bad about like “mom, dad just wants us for x amount of time- you get us all the time” yes- he’s THAT petty) I just tell myself – toxic people – over and over. Anyways- I will now be a faithful reader. Thank you for showing me I’m not the evil family destoyer that he tries daily to make me believe.

    • Reply
      antonet
      March 12, 2017 at 5:07 pm

      So glad to hear that you walked away and are staying away. Also glad you aren’t falling for his mind tricks. Once you can see them for who they are they can’t keep the act up anymore and get upset. Stay strong!

  • Reply
    Cayla
    January 16, 2017 at 1:45 am

    Reading things like this makes my heart feel at ease.
    I left my husband 5 months ago to live with my mom and find a job. I’ve tried to leave numerous times.. but I had to move 2 hours away for it to actually work.
    We have a daughter though. I am accused of taking his family away from him and torn down everytime we leave from a weekend visit.. (keep in mind I have always offered for him to keep her.. but he never does).. Then he will call me and say he is just hurt and doesn’t know how to deal with it.
    I am so lost.
    Am I doing the right thing?.. Can he actually change?..
    it’s exhausting.. all.the.time.

    • Reply
      antonet
      February 5, 2017 at 3:03 pm

      Trust me he won’t change. When someone shows you who they are the first time believe. I do believe that people can change but with a narcissist they don’t think there is anything wrong with them. I know that you want your marriage to work out and so did I. When the bad outweighs the good you know its time to go!

  • Reply
    Shelly
    January 12, 2017 at 9:03 pm

    I’ve been married to my narcissist for 27 years. The most ridiculous thing I’ve tolerated is his many pursuings of business ownership. He has attempted at least 6 businesses, each ending with us financially broke. And during each I did all I could do to help him succeed. Worked for him with no pay, did the dirty work of persuing a customer that didn’t pay his bill. We were so broke I’d go to food pantries for groceries. We’ve been sued, bankrupt, had vehicles repossessed, and almost lost our house to foreclosure, but a relative saved us at the last minute. We he closed the last business in 2010 due to being broke once again (it was an auto repair facility), I had a real eye opening experience watching him bring home all of the things he had collected. things he bought, or bartered or took as payment. Cars, trucks, motors, junk… I realized that was why we were broke and couldn’t pay the bills. That and many bad decisions. Can you guess, he would blame me.
    Now we have bought and moved into his parents (who passed a couple years ago) run-down farm where now he wants to be a farmer! We are in our 50’s now. He had gotten quite a large inheritance which for the most part he pissed away….I still have no idea exactly how much it was. He bought motorcycles, more trucks and cars and snowmobiles….cows, farm equipment, rents land and doesn’t plant crops….etc….we are broke again….
    I’m making plans. Getting a job. I wish I wasn’t 51…im scared. I have a 13 year-old boy with learning disabilities….
    But have had a lot of epiphanies lately. I want to be around the people who love me. My family. I don’t have many friends but when you live in the middle of no where….plus I think that a lot use to be friends don’t like to be around him. Wish me luck….I hope I follow through…

    • Reply
      antonet
      February 5, 2017 at 3:06 pm

      I pray you follow through as well. That is a horrible cycle to be stuck in. He won’t change and he doesn’t think he should. I think you should be proud no matter what age you are. You can get free and I know it seems hard a bleak but nothing is impossible. Let me know how it goes!

    • Reply
      Liz
      February 14, 2017 at 12:11 pm

      Keep your chin up and know you are strong. My story is so similar to yours. I’m 49 and was married for 20 years. Toughest thing is leaving the familiar. Even though it’s terrible. You’ll make friends once you’re working. Just keep working to like and respect the person you see in the mirror. It’ll seem slow, but your freedom and self respect are priceless. I wish you well in everything.

      • Reply
        antonet
        March 12, 2017 at 5:16 pm

        Thank you so much for your encouraging words!

  • Reply
    Sondra
    July 30, 2016 at 9:39 am

    Good for you and for being so open. Everyone deserve to be unconditionally loved and you are a strong woman for being the courage to leave.

  • Reply
    Amanda
    July 29, 2016 at 8:42 pm

    Very informative. I’m sure this will help other people who might be experiencing the same thing. Glad you are free from that!

    Xo, Amanda | http://www.thegoldengirldiary.com

  • Reply
    Barbara
    July 27, 2016 at 11:17 am

    Thanks for sharing, Antonet. I’m sure this will help others who are going through the same thing. 🙂

  • Reply
    Tara
    July 24, 2016 at 5:40 pm

    I want to thank you for writing this blog! I am going through a difficult situation right now, and this gives me a sense of strength. I’ve been married to my husband for 13 years. We lost our daughter two weeks before she turned 5 years old. She had a genetic disease so we were caregivers for all of her life. We have a son who is now 5 years old. My husband started acting strange back in late January. He left us the week before our son’s birthday in February. He would return my calls or texts. I had to go to the police and start filing a missing person report. The police pinged his phone in Lafayette, LA. I found out that he had hopped a plane and cheated on me with a younger girl with two kids. He lied about it until I found a way to get into his text messages, and I got sick at my stomach when reading through their disgusting conversations. I made him move out when he returned home. He hasn’t helped me pay for anything… I’m getting ready to take our son and move back home with family. I have divorce papers ready to file after we move. We were high school sweethearts… I grew up with the guy!!! I’m starting to see that I went through most of our marriage being emotionally abused by his narcissistic behaviors. My heart hurts and my spirit is broken, but I’m leaning on faith, family, and friends. This is a very long comment, but I wanted to share some of my circumstances and let you know that I appreciate your candid blog. Thanks!!

    • Reply
      antonet
      July 24, 2016 at 8:25 pm

      I am glad that you have gotten out. I know that as women we want our marriages to work and its hard when there is really nothing there to hold onto. I am very glad that you have your family to turn to in these hard times. It does take a while to get over the heartbreak and realize that what you once hoped for will never be. Glad you were able to find my blog and that it has given you strength. I am glad that I can help other women who are going through similar situations. Feel free to reach out to me anytime! Be safe and take things one day at a time. It will get better!

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