When the Narcissist wants you back
It’s been over a year since I left my soon to be ex-husband and it took all my strength to leave. I know how hard it is to leave and had made several attempts (threats) throughout my marriage to leave but never did. Don’t worry if you find leaving hard or even staying away, you aren’t alone. I do know that I had decided that it wasn’t healthy for me to stay and I was tired of all the lies, manipulation and blatant disrespect of my feelings.
If you haven’t read my previous posts here is the beginning of this series Divorcing the Narcissist
After I packed up and left I didn’t have the strength to go no contact. I had it in my head that leaving him would make him change. This is a fatal flaw, always believing that the man I fell in love with in the beginning was going to come back. This is how the narcissist keeps us hanging on so long. They will show small glimpses of being loving, sweet and charming, usually after a rage when they feel you pulling away from them. They turn back on the charm and you are hopeful again that all will be well.
I found myself constantly in contact with my husband. We would talk or text daily and there were times I could do nothing but get angry and cry. I found myself thinking maybe I should go back. The only thing that helped me stay away was constantly reminding myself of all the bad moments in our marriage. I even made a list as a reminder.
Here are a few items from my list:
- Hid money from escrow from me: secretly cashed check and spent the money behind my back. Said he wasn’t sorry he did it and that he would do it again
- When he was angry which seemed like always he would take all credit cards and check books from me
- Would leave the house in the middle of the night and sometimes not even show up at home after work
- Cheated and lied to me several times
- Caught several times with texts from random people
- Went into sex personals on Craigslist and emailed several people
- Would drink till he passed out on couch
- Punched holes in our door
- Had texts and phone calls in the middle of the night
- Called me names: Bitch, Psycho, crazy, retarded, stupid
There are so many more things that happened. This is only a few of them. It made it a lot easier to see in written down because I could foolishly talk myself into thinking that our marriage really wasn’t all that bad.
My ex would constantly contact me and keep me wrapped up in him. Keeping in contact with him only served to hurt me even being hundreds of miles away. He would tell me how much he loved me and that he couldn’t be without me. That he was barely holding on and just wanted his family back. At times I wanted so much to believe him. I wanted so much for his words to be true but I knew they weren’t. I believed his lies so many times and I allowed him to continue to lie.
Words without actions are just words
While we were apart I found out he had joined 2 dating websites for hooking up. I was livid. I demanded that he tell me the truth and that there would be no fixing our marriage if he couldn’t be honest. He told me that he only joined those sites because he was so distraught without me. (ha is anyone else laughing?)
He then told me that he had been in a threesome and had cheated on me 9 times throughout our marriage. (Anyone else smell another lie?) I never believed that because I had caught him way too many times. He always had another lie to cover up his lies. This was the game we always played.
I’d had enough of the lies and manipulation. I look back and realize that I never really knew my husband at all. In fact I don’t think anyone knew him because even he doesn’t know himself. He was so great at acting…he may have missed his calling.
He wanted me back but not because he loved me but because he wanted to control me. He wanted his narcissistic supply back.
Here’s one of our many text conversations:
Him- I make mistakes
Me- Right I know that. But don’t you think I deserve better than how you treat me?
Him- I want to be the one who treats you better
Me- But saying you make mistakes just makes me so mad. I feel like it’s always your excuse to go off on me
Him- I’m scared to lose you. When I say stupid stuff it’s in attempts to control you. I’m trying to change.
This was always the word he used to keep me hopeful “trying”
He would always say he is trying to change; he was trying to be a better husband, trying to be a better father. Nothing ever changed.
When the narcissist wants you back, I suggest you stay away. In fact run. It’s not worth more heartache to keep having hope for someone who could care less about how you feel or if they continue to hurt you.
While I was married my life was completely wrapped up in this man. I wanted desperately for my marriage to work and for us to be happy but I realized too late that it was always one-sided. The more I gave the more he took and the more he took the more lost I became. I would look in the mirror and not even recognize myself. When did my life become a nightmare.
I left my soon to be ex-husband over a year ago and my life has changed so much. I am free and I am happy!
Make a decision to leave and stick by it. Go no contact as soon as possible. The longer you wait the longer it will take to heal.
“Healing comes when we choose to walk away from darkness and move towards a brighter light” Dieter F. Uchtdorf
“A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect”
Intro post Divorcing the Narcissist: The Beginning
Post #2 Through the Rain
Post #3 Everything is your fault
Post # 4 Leaving the Narcissist for Good