If I treated you the way you treated me, you would hate me – Sushan R Sharma
My ex he treated me badly. It was years of continuous pain and heartache. He would tear me down with his words and how cold he could be. When I would pull away he would be tender and sweet bringing me back around and then he would go cold again. My feelings were always dependent on how he treated me. If he was loving and sweet I was blissfully happy, but if he was in a bad mood (usually taking it out on me) then I was sad and pensive.
Hate is such a strong emotion. It’s a deep and extremely emotional feeling. It can take over your thoughts with its intensity. I can honestly say there were points in my marriage when I felt like I hated my husband. I felt alone and unloved. Always questioning and wondering how I ended up where I was. How did I fall so madly in love with someone who was incapable of loving me back?
It was 3 long years or lying, cheating, and manipulation and about a year into our marriage when I finally realized that my husband was a narcissist and a complete stranger to me.
I started to uncover secrets about him and came to realize that he had a whole other life hidden from me. When I started to question his cheating, instead of coming clean he manipulated me into believing he was only contacting people online (craigslist sex personals) for drugs. (I actually believed this lie because it was better than believing he was cheating and it also gave me something else to focus on- getting him clean)
The web of lies just grew. I soon realized that he was a drug addict and he had no intention of stopping, although he told me that he would. I started to find drugs hidden in our home along with alcohol. He would come home from work with alcohol on his breath and oozing out of his pores. There were nights he wouldn’t even come home and wouldn’t call me or text about where he was and what he was doing. I started getting frantic and constantly checking his phone and emails, always finding evidence of cheating and lies. I started to be disgusted by my ex and what I was finding.
I felt like I was in a pretend marriage. To the outside world we were happy and in love, but inside our home, we were miles apart. We were hardly intimate and I didn’t trust him at all. I didn’t feel any love or warmth in our home and felt as though I was always walking on eggshells, just to keep the peace. It became just a mask I wore…that of the loving wife and mom.
Last year in June I decided I didn’t want this kind of marriage. I didn’t want my children to grow up thinking that this was how marriage should be. So I left and I haven’t looked back. I am much happier now and I know what to look out for in my next relationship.
I should hate my ex but here’s why I don’t:
- Hating him would mean that he still has a hold over my emotions. That he still has control, which narcissists thrive on. I will never let him control my emotions again. Hating him keeps him fresh in my mind and that is very unhealthy
- In order to move forward, I have to love myself and that means forgiving what he has done and letting myself be free from the past. The shackles are gone and my heart is free!
- These scars from my marriage are a part of who I am. I have gone through a lot of heartache and pain, but I have come out all that much stronger for it. My past doesn’t define my future.
- Hate has no room in my life now. I am happier than I have been these last few years. It’s so freeing to not be stuck inside the shell of a woman I once was.
I don’t want the world to look at me and see a broken woman, but to see a mended one!
Intro post Divorcing the Narcissist: In the Beginning
Post #2 Through the Rain
Post #3 Everything is your fault
Post # 4 Leaving the Narcissist for Good
Post # 5 When the Narcissist wants you back