Through the Rain
Hello all! Today I am beginning the divorce blog series. If you missed my intro post be sure to read it here
I am starting this blog at a pivotal point in my life…I am getting divorced and starting a new chapter in my life and I want to share my story with the hope that I can help inspire and comfort others who are going through divorce with a narcissist or those who are experiencing tough times in your marriage.
Over a year ago I made a decision to leave the man I loved. It was the hardest decision I made but at the time it was for the best. Here’s a little background about my marriage…I met my ex in the summer of 2011. We met through a dating site called Plenty of Fish. Our first date was amazing! I fell hard and I fell fast. He was everything I had ever wanted in a man…charming, funny, kind, caring, and handsome. He had the most beautiful eyes and every time he looked at me I felt he was looking into my soul. It didn’t take long for us to become an item and start saying we loved each other. I thought he was the one for me…my Mr. Right.
Unfortunately the love haze made me ignore so many red flags. I found out that he was still on the dating website we met on. I also saw that he was messaging other women too and it hurt. When confronted he said he was very sorry and he would take down his account which he did…looking back I should have made it clear that he had crossed a boundary and it wasn’t okay.
I firmly believe that if someone is serious about you they don’t make room for others in their life.
Needless to say the red flags continued. Random text messages and emails and his behavior had changed. He was drinking more and all he wanted to do was come home drink and watch tv. The only beverage he consumed was beer and I was getting alarmed. I mentioned my concern and he slowed down but not too much.
I was seeing evidence that he was talking to other women. I was heartbroken. Every time I went to leave he would talk me back into staying. He was always so good at saying the right thing and seeming like he was so genuine about being sorry. I wish I would have left then.
A year into our relationship I became pregnant and I didn’t even want to tell him because I was finding out more secrets about him. I felt like I didn’t know him at all. But he quelled my fears and I was so in love with him that I stayed. On October 19, 2012 we got married. It was a small ceremony but it was beautiful and for the time being I was very happy with him and I felt our relationship was getting better.
We ended up moving to California when my daughter was 6 months old. It was very hard to leave behind my family and friends. They were my support when my ex and I had falling outs which were very often during my pregnancy and after our marriage.
He started acting erratically. He was always complaining about his job, about his life, about his lack of money, but mostly about how stressed he was to be the provider of a family of 4.
For the longest time I couldn’t understand why he was so angry and why his rage was directed at me. Once we were in California he decided to tell me his secret. That he was using drugs. I was devastated…I was angry at him for keeping this secret from me but I was also very concerned because I wanted him to be clean. Needless to say he wasn’t ready to get clean.
Our marriage was built on lies and secrets. He lived a double life. He wasn’t only using drugs he was abusing alcohol and having multiple affairs. Our love life suffered. We were hardly ever intimate or even close. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone and for so long I kept it all hidden… from my family, his family, and my friends. It was hard because I felt ashamed that my marriage was failing and I never wanted to get married only to then get a divorce. Little by little I started to confide in my mother and a few of my closest friends because he somehow would make me out to be the cause of his behavior.
It started to affect me and I filled my days with activities to keep my mind off my hurting heart. I immersed myself in as many activities as I could, hoping that my husband would see what he was doing to our family and want to get help.
We would constantly argue. I would find evidence of affairs and drug use and he would talk his way out of it. Always finding a way to blame me…it was always my fault. I didn’t give him enough attention. I didn’t cook enough, clean enough, or take his side enough.
I did everything I could to make him happy. Often thinking maybe it was me that was the problem. It took me a long time to become convinced it was his inner battle that he was fighting and there was nothing I could do to help.
He hardly slept, so late at night I would get up and try to talk to him…but all it did was make him angry especially if I cried. (Narcissistic Rage)
There were times he was tender and sweet but that was after we had a fight. He would “apologize” (it was never sincere) and be sweet and loving again…but this too became few and far between. I was fed up with the lies, manipulation and his abuse of drugs alcohol and him having affairs. It all was too much to bear. I stopped sleeping in our room and talking to him. Hoping this would help mend our marriage if he saw he was losing me. He told me to get out of his house many times but would always say he didn’t mean it.
I could go on and on. This is only a small glimpse of what happened during our marriage. But let’s skip to why I left.
In May of 2015 my husband didn’t come home after work. He often did this but he wasn’t answering his phone. Not his personal or work phone. I was worried… I thought okay I guess he went out drinking and he would eventually come home like always.
For hours I didn’t hear from him and got worried. The last time he did this I had found out he had gotten arrested. After a few hours of worrying, I tracked his phone through the find my phone app and found him sitting in his car totally wasted. I yelled at him and told him not to follow me home. I left and went home and saw him following behind me. Part of me wanted to call the cops on him but I didn’t want him to get in trouble again. I went home but he had made a turn somewhere else. I was so livid I went home and went to bed. I had locked all the doors and he ended up punching the glass in the door so he could get in. He bled all over the floor, came inside ate his food and then went to bed. I asked him if he planned on fixing the door because we were now sleeping in an unsecured home. He said he hoped someone broke in and that if they did tell them to shoot him first and he went to bed.
I packed up and left the next day while he was at work. I couldn’t do it anymore. I got a lot of backlash from his family for leaving him. They never knew my side of the story and didn’t seem to want to know although I had told them he was using drugs. I was told that I needed to go back home and talk to him….I got frustrated at this comment as I have always tried to talk to him and of course it did nothing but make him angry.
I am now in the middle of divorce process. Please feel free to share your stories with me. I feel so much better to be talking about it. I know now that it was the right decision for me and my children and I never want to live that way again.
Stay tuned to hear more about my divorce and how I am moving on and starting again! Join the email list so you don’t miss a post!
Intro Post Divorcing the Narcissist: The Beginning
Post #3 Everything is your fault
Post # 4 Leaving the Narcissist for Good
Post # 5 When the Narcissist wants you back
You can make it through the rain! I leave you with a song.