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Divorcing: When the Narcissist wants you back

when the narcissist wants you back

When the Narcissist wants you back

It’s been over a year since I left my soon to be ex-husband and it took all my strength to leave. I know how hard it is to leave and had made several attempts (threats) throughout my marriage to leave but never did. Don’t worry if you find leaving hard or even staying away, you aren’t alone. I do know that I had decided that it wasn’t healthy for me to stay and I was tired of all the lies, manipulation and blatant disrespect of my feelings.

If you haven’t read my previous posts here is the beginning of this series Divorcing the Narcissist

After I packed up and left I didn’t have the strength to go no contact. I had it in my head that leaving him would make him change. This is a fatal flaw, always believing that the man I fell in love with in the beginning was going to come back. This is how the narcissist keeps us hanging on so long. They will show small glimpses of being loving, sweet and charming, usually after a rage when they feel you pulling away from them. They turn back on the charm and you are hopeful again that all will be well.

The Narcissist after a break-up

I found myself constantly in contact with my husband. We would talk or text daily and there were times I could do nothing but get angry and cry. I found myself thinking maybe I should go back. The only thing that helped me stay away was constantly reminding myself of all the bad moments in our marriage. I even made a list as a reminder.

Here are a few items from my list:

  • Hid money from escrow from me: secretly cashed check and spent the money behind my back. Said he wasn’t sorry he did it and that he would do it again
  • When he was angry which seemed like always he would take all credit cards and check books from me
  • Would leave the house in the middle of the night and sometimes not even show up at home after work
  • Cheated and lied to me several times
  • Caught several times with texts from random people
  • Went into sex personals on Craigslist and emailed several people
  • Would drink till he passed out on couch
  • Punched holes in our door
  • Had texts and phone calls in the middle of the night
  • Called me names: Bitch, Psycho, crazy, retarded, stupid

There are so many more things that happened. This is only a few of them. It made it a lot easier to see in written down because I could foolishly talk myself into thinking that our marriage really wasn’t all that bad.

My ex would constantly contact me and keep me wrapped up in him. Keeping in contact with him only served to hurt me even being hundreds of miles away. He would tell me how much he loved me and that he couldn’t be without me. That he was barely holding on and just wanted his family back. At times I wanted so much to believe him. I wanted so much for his words to be true but I knew they weren’t. I believed his lies so many times and I allowed him to continue to lie.

Words without actions are just words

While we were apart I found out he had joined 2 dating websites for hooking up. I was livid. I demanded that he tell me the truth and that there would be no fixing our marriage if he couldn’t be honest. He told me that he only joined those sites because he was so distraught without me. (ha is anyone else laughing?)

He then told me that he had been in a threesome and had cheated on me 9 times throughout our marriage. (Anyone else smell another lie?) I never believed that because I had caught him way too many times. He always had another lie to cover up his lies. This was the game we always played.

I’d had enough of the lies and manipulation. I look back and realize that I never really knew my husband at all. In fact I don’t think anyone knew him because even he doesn’t know himself. He was so great at acting…he may have missed his calling.

He wanted me back but not because he loved me but because he wanted to control me. He wanted his narcissistic supply back.

Here’s one of our many text conversations:

Him- I make mistakes

Me- Right I know that. But don’t you think I deserve better than how you treat me?

Him- I want to be the one who treats you better

  Me- But saying you make mistakes just makes me so mad. I feel like it’s always your excuse to go off on me

Him- I’m scared to lose you. When I say stupid stuff it’s in attempts to control you. I’m trying to change.

 

This was always the word he used to keep me hopeful “trying

He would always say he is trying to change; he was trying to be a better husband, trying to be a better father. Nothing ever changed.

When the narcissist wants you back, I suggest you stay away. In fact run. It’s not worth more heartache to keep having hope for someone who could care less about how you feel or if they continue to hurt you.

While I was married my life was completely wrapped up in this man. I wanted desperately for my marriage to work and for us to be happy but I realized too late that it was always one-sided. The more I gave the more he took and the more he took the more lost I became. I would look in the mirror and not even recognize myself. When did my life become a nightmare.

I left my soon to be ex-husband over a year ago and my life has changed so much. I am free and I am happy!

Make a decision to leave and stick by it. Go no contact as soon as possible. The longer you wait the longer it will take to heal.

Understanding that the Narcissist doesn’t love you

“Healing comes when we choose to walk away from darkness and move towards a brighter light” Dieter F. Uchtdorf

“A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect”

Intro post Divorcing the Narcissist: The Beginning

Post #2 Through the Rain

Post #3 Everything is your fault

Post # 4 Leaving the Narcissist for Good

Post # 6 I Should Hate My Ex: Here’s Why I don’t

Post # 7 Starting the Divorce Process: 5 tips for Divorcing a Narcissist

Divorce, Lifestyle
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32 Comments

  • Reply
    antonet
    March 12, 2017 at 5:10 pm

    Yes don’t go back. If he isn’t dangerous than get divorced as soon as possible. You will be all the happier for it

  • Reply
    Sumer
    March 5, 2017 at 10:22 pm

    I am going through this right now and it is almost word for word your situation. I left in June and still haven’t been able to come up with the money to finalize our divorce. He text me daily about how he can’t live without me and his kids. He also joined dating sites because he was so distraught then lied about it when caught. The women he tried to date were respectable enough to tell me the truth and even when confronted with the truth lied. He text me daily about not being able to love without me but yet I know he is still lying. He was supposed to attend counseling but hasn’t because he doesn’t have the money. He will never change. I have tried to go no contact and have continued to hurt from not doing it. You are a strong woman.

    • Reply
      antonet
      March 12, 2017 at 5:02 pm

      Thank you and I hope you get to a place where you can go no contact. It really is the best in this situation. Good Luck!

  • Reply
    marcela
    November 4, 2016 at 8:05 pm

    love the article… i can totally relate…

  • Reply
    Crystal
    September 27, 2016 at 10:15 pm

    Thank you for posting this. I recently left my husband. He is the textbook narcissist. Since I left him he had to move out of the house we were renting because he didn’t have a job and no longer had me there to support him and pay the bills. He is now living where ever he can find from night to night….or so he says. He texts me daily telling me how miserable he is and how he wants his life back. Basically what he is saying is he wants me back to rescue him and support him and his habits. Not gonna happen! I’m done. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    • Reply
      antonet
      September 28, 2016 at 5:26 pm

      I am glad you found me and can relate. My ex still emails me daily as well as I have blocked him from calling me. You are smart to not go back and rescue him. It takes a lot of strength and courage to leave a marriage, especially when involved with a narcissist. Have you decided what you plan to do?

      • Reply
        Crystal
        September 28, 2016 at 9:45 pm

        I plan on filing for divorce. I just can’t keep subjecting myself to the constant cycle that my life has become the last several years.

        • Reply
          antonet
          September 29, 2016 at 4:13 pm

          Yes it’s a vicious never ending cycle that never ends well. I am very happy that you got out safely. I pray that things will go well for you. I am here to talk and give advice whenever you need it!

  • Reply
    Victoria Stacey
    August 4, 2016 at 10:13 am

    Love the honesty – you are so strong for making the decision to leave, and in some ways even more so for talking about it honestly and publicly – bravo!

    • Reply
      antonet
      August 4, 2016 at 1:24 pm

      Thank you! I took me a long time to get to this point. A few years ago I wouldn’t have said a thing. I wanted my marriage to appear normal to the outside world. But I was only hurting myself in the long run and now I want to help others have a voice too.

  • Reply
    Khansa
    August 2, 2016 at 5:58 am

    You deserve so much better. I am sure you will find the right person some day. Until then keep going strong just like this!

    • Reply
      antonet
      August 2, 2016 at 10:05 am

      Thank you so much for the encouragement!

  • Reply
    Memory
    August 1, 2016 at 3:25 pm

    You are a very courageous woman. I applaud you for how far you have come and also being so transparent because your story is so inspiring. Keep shining<3

  • Reply
    Milena
    August 1, 2016 at 12:08 pm

    Don’t go back! My friend is in a relationship just like one except she is also a narcissist. It’s vicious cycle. Be strong!

  • Reply
    Ana
    July 31, 2016 at 8:56 pm

    Hope you’re well! Hats of to your courage!

    • Reply
      antonet
      August 1, 2016 at 9:39 am

      I am much better! Thank you! I am happier now than I was a few years ago!

  • Reply
    Melanie Frost
    July 31, 2016 at 12:37 pm

    He sounds like a total loser. Good for you for sticking to your guns and getting out of that situation! Does he know about your blog? LOl!

  • Reply
    Anna nuttall
    July 30, 2016 at 2:59 pm

    A brave post and well done for getting out and being safe. I really hope you are ok. xx

  • Reply
    Saswat Bhoi
    July 28, 2016 at 12:04 am

    Truly, you’re a courageous lady!! It takes so much strength to face such situations in life! So proud that you took the right decision to move on. Stay strong!!

    • Reply
      antonet
      July 28, 2016 at 11:23 am

      thank you! I hope I can help other women get the courage to leave too. Thanks for the sweet comment!

  • Reply
    Kaleigh
    July 27, 2016 at 4:05 pm

    I’m so proud you left and so happy you decided to speak out about it! Emotional/mental abuse in cases like this aren’t spoken on often. Glad you are on your journey to a better and happier place and I wish you a world of luck! You’re doing good things, lady. 🙂

    • Reply
      antonet
      July 27, 2016 at 10:24 pm

      Aw thank you so much. That means a lot to me. I told a friend of mine earlier that there needs to be more awareness of the emotional and mental abuse being in a relationship with a narcissist takes out of people. Its 1000 times harder than anyone could imagine. And if I can help someone else than I am happy to keep writing and raising awareness

  • Reply
    maca
    July 27, 2016 at 3:06 pm

    Love this honest post so much, especially when you mentioned words without actions are just words.

    Stay strong and hang in there girl,

    Xo
    maca

    • Reply
      antonet
      July 27, 2016 at 10:22 pm

      Thank you so much. I can honestly say I have found so much peace now that I have gotten out of my marriage. It was a hard road but its getting better everyday

  • Reply
    Ruxandra
    July 27, 2016 at 1:47 pm

    So brave to honestly share this. Stay strong <3

    http://www.saccharine-soul.com/

  • Reply
    Kerry
    July 27, 2016 at 11:47 am

    Your such a courageous soul to share your story with us and by doing that, hopefully you will console others going through the same. Best wishes to you!

  • Reply
    Mr Tom James
    July 27, 2016 at 11:11 am

    I admire you’re bravery and courage to remove yourself from such a demoralising relationships. By the sounds of it things can only get better now.

    • Reply
      antonet
      July 27, 2016 at 11:32 am

      Thank you! I’m sure you are right. Things can only get better! I am looking on the brighter side of it all!

  • Reply
    Berlin
    July 27, 2016 at 1:28 am

    I find you so bold to share with us how your relationship is going. I wish you all the luck and I though we arent friends or acquiantances, I support and believe in you.

    • Reply
      antonet
      July 27, 2016 at 11:32 am

      Oh thank you. I appreciate that. Its always great to find support in tough situations!

  • Reply
    Brianna Leigh
    July 27, 2016 at 12:26 am

    Glad that you are out and safe now! Wishing you the best on the journey to a better life 🙂

  • Reply
    Marie
    July 26, 2016 at 10:43 pm

    This so brave of you to talk about your divorce. I know this will help a lot of other people going through a divorce and that’s awesome!

    -Marie
    http://www.thatdarlinmarie.com

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